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Loony Left Cup, seven a side football tournament, Brockwell Park, Herne Hill and Brixton, south London, 2005
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The Loony Left Cup
Report by Relahni, pics by editor, 5th June 2005

Once again, the urban75 footie team was called into action, this time to take part in the Loony Left Cup, a seven a side tournament in Brockwell park, south London.

After their last err, understated performance in the Chaos Cup last year, the only possible way was up, and the boys did urban proud and earned their place in the file marked, 'plucky losers'.

urban75 team poses before the semi final
urban75 team poses before the semi final

Before we set off...
"Do you think everyone will turn up"?
"Eh? why not?"
"I just don't think they will".
1 Message recieved............

Tony the keeper - the world class keeper is out with toothache... Bollox.... Memories of Sleaterkinney slipping on an XL goalkeeping top from last year's tournament came flooding back. I had made contingency plans for the keeper position. Sleaterkinney had nobly agreed to fill 1798s gloves should anything happen to him.

Slightly late we arrived at our meeting place, the Hobgoblin with everyone there! Result.........A couple reeked of the night before - but they'd turned up. When we got to Brockwell park there were a few teams already set up - and some kids - kids! "I hope they aren't playing - I hate playing against kids" our skipper said....I chuckled to myself - no - no way - they wouldn't be playing.

urban75 team poses before the semi final
If there was a cup for posing, it would have been in the bag for the urban crew.

Aware of the teams concerns about playing the kids - I went over to the organisers to ask if they were in the tournament. "Yeah - they are called KFC...............because they like chicken init"!

When I told the team - they pissed themselves whilst looking at the KFC squad. In turn our whipper snappers looked back at us with scowls and moved away from us in a "we'll show those tossers" etc type attitude manner. Our thoughts turned to visions of being ran ragged by the a bunch of energetic young whippersnappers....although one member of the team mentioned the fact that we'd have to get stuck in - adding that kids heal quicker than adults....

So the first match was upon us..

The 2-3-1 formation went out of the window. I thought about a more cautious 3 at the back to cover Sleaterkinney in goal......This cautious/nervy formation went through the team and a very nervy start to the tournament ended in a one nil loss. We played a lot better in the second half but couldn't get that equaliser.


KFC slot home a penalty
A diminutive KFC-ers slots home a penalty past the 'man mountain' goalkeeper.

The second game was against Stockwell Diablos, everyone had an idea of what was expected of them and we'd seen Sleater "the cat" at work in goal. He was a good keeper. So it was the 2-3-1 formation.

Sleater in goal - Brixton Hatter and Bang in defence. Corporate whore in a holding role - Flimsier in midfield - Chris Filter pushing up to support James in attack.

A solid performance - controlling the game - the nerves of the first match had disappeared - we looked and played like a unit. Bang and Brixton Hatter were rock like in defence.

View from behind the goal, Brockwell Park
View from behind the goal, Brockwell Park

Brixton Hatter's last ditch tackle will go down in Brockwell Park folklaw - it was up there with Bobby Moore tackle on Pele in the 1970 World cup. Corporate Whore was supreme in the holding role and Flimsier, James and Chris Filter looked much sharper. "Have you lot changed your tactics this year"? asked the onlooking impressed Recreativo boss.

Then the magical moment came - a pass down the wing from Flimsier to James, who ran with the ball - Chris Filter made a superb run to the back post - a fantastic pass from James and what a finish! When the ball hits the goal it's not Shearer or Cole - it's Chris the words of the late David Coleman - ONE NIL! - FIL-TER!

Later in the game tiredness was kicking in - so a couple of changes were made. The Urban boys controlled the game and it was our first tournament win. This win came against the team that hammered us 3-0 in the tournament last year.


urban75 vs Recreativo, semi final, Loony Left Cup, 2005
urban75 vs Recreativo action, semi final, Loony Left Cup, 2005

The third game came against tournament favourites AA. Dan announced he was a good keeper so took the place of Sleaterkinney inbetween the sticks. AA were the better side but the Urban boys could have possibly got a draw out of the game - played well but lost 1-0.

The fourth game - do I begin to describe was KFC v Urban75. Flimsier conveniently disappeared to the shops - but fortunately was back in time for the start of the match.

His no nonsense tough tackling style was needed against the whippersnappers. We started the match well. Maximillian Ping ran with the ball - Relahni was alongside him to his right.

A gap appeared in the KFC defence - Maxi played a peach of a ball through the gap for Relahni to run onto. It was a one on one with the keeper - a 50/50 ball. Relahni nearly double the weight and size of the keeper bravely accepted this dual. A lunge and oh - it's in..............GOAL!

The keeper wasn't happy with Relahni's up and at them approach - but Relahni picked himself off the ground and dusted himself off - One Nil - the Urban boys were in front.


There he goes!
There he goes!

KFC were rattled and began to mix it....which might have suited us a little more to be fair. An altercation at a corner involving Relahni and the keeper saw a little bit of handbags. Then came a bit of magic - a high ball chested down by Relahni - a turn a shot - curled into the far corner.

Rubbing salt into the keepers wounds - it was 2-0. KFC weren't happy and that's when the elbows and horrific challenges came in. Sleaterkinney and Maximillian Ping could have given Childline and NSPCC some extra work - but restrained themselves under severe provocation. I'm sorry to report that an unnamed member of the Urban75 team tried to knock out one of KFC by blasting the ball at his face...

This kind of behaviour has no place on a football pitch and the said person should be ashamed of himself...The little shits - sorry KFC came back and managed a consolation goal.

Recreativo 2 urban75 0, semi final, Loony Left Cup, 2005
Recreativo seem unsure how to celebrate Bang's spectacular own goal

So - with the kids sent packing - it was won 2 lost 2 with a place in the final at stake. Recreativo to beat....Our nemesis - we'd played them twice and lost twice....We owed them one.....and gave them two within the first few minutes.....

Our three wise men approach to the game wasn't quite the plan - with the Frankincense and Myrrh given - the Gold was still to come.

A glancing header by Bang was a delight to watch, probably the goal of the tournament. Don't say we never give you anything Recreativo.


Goal mouth action, semi final, Loony Left Cup, 2005
Goal mouth action

With heads down - the Urban boys battled on and avoided a complete tonking. Final score 0-3 - although we were robbed by the ref, cornrow - who conveniently blew for the final whistle when Maximillian Ping was through on goal with only the keeper to beat.

Earlier, the ref had felt the lash of the editor's tongue from the touchline when he was spotted whooping with joy and punching the air when Recreativo scored their first goal.

Resolute, nay defiant, in defeat, the urban75 team celebrate not comning bottom in the Loony Left Cup, 2005.
Resolute, nay defiant, in defeat, the urban75 team celebrate not comning bottom in the Loony Left Cup, 2005.

Final league positions.
Fourth spot - Urban75 Pld 5 Won 2 Drawn 0 Lost 3 Goals for 3 Goals Against 6 Points 6

Congratulations to Recreativo and AA - they were the best sides in the tournament and played a thrilling final - with Recreativo scoring an equaliser in the final minute to take the game to penalties. Recreativo won with a spot kick from Jel.

Big thanks to Stockwell Diablos for the invite and for hosting the tournament.

Well done to Sleaterkinney, Dan, Bang, Brixton Hatter, Corporate Whore, Flimsier, Maximillian Ping, James, Chris Filter and Relahni - you did Urban75 FC proud.

For the urban75 team and supporters, there was only one appropriate venue for the post match analysis. The pub.


Recreativo score a last minute equaliser, Loony Left Cup, 2005
Recreativo score a last minute equaliser, Loony Left Cup, 2005

Penalty shoot out, Loony Left Cup, 2005
Penalty shoot out, Loony Left Cup, 2005


AA's keeper can only watch as the ball thumps in the back of the net
AA's keeper can only watch as the ball thumps in the back of the net

Recreativo's goalie gets down to block a penalty
Recreativo's tidy goalie gets down to block a penalty

Recreativo win on penalties! Loony Left Cup, Brockwell Park, Herne Hill and Brixton, south London, 2005
Recreativo win on penalties!

Recreativo win the Loony Left Cup, Brockwell Park, Herne Hill and Brixton, south London, 2005
Recreativo win the Loony Left Cup, 2005


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